i should have known that published author giving me advice didn't really know what she was talking about when

she asked me why I hadn't submitted any of my poetry to presses like monkeybicycle



monkeybicycle doesn't publish poetry

it never has

________________________________

When she said, I only write on assignment, I said,

That's like only having sex for procreation.

When she said, No, it's more like being a sex worker, I should've realized

she didn't have a point, she just missed my fucking metaphor.

Let me spell it out for me, so I can reassure myself if no one else:

If you are a writer, you should like writing. You should find writing fun. It logically follows, then, that you would write for fun.

If you only write on assignment, you are refusing to generate material unless it is a) guaranteed to be purchased by a certain press, and b) to fit the specifications and desires of someone else. You are writing only for utilitarian purposes, not personal fulfillment.

When you only fuck to maek babby, you are denying yourself sex for fun. You fuck for a reason; that reason is not pleasure, but rather production. It's almost machinery. You might have fun while in the process, but the fun is incidental to the purpose. In fact, as a sex worker, it's pretty similar, except then you're bringing in all the potential exploitation and even more extensive stripping of pleasure from the act. So there, I'm declaring it an even stupider metaphor. (OK, most people wouldn't have gone there, and this is probably me just being petulant now.)

Let's make this clear.

I write because I enjoy writing. I find it inherently fulfilling, as well as mentally - settling. Publication is incidental. Pay is incidental.  The academy is bullocks and academia is masturbatory bullocks. I write first, and spread it around however after - because my motive is personal expression and satisfaction, not to turn a trick and make a dime. I can't imagine only writing on assignment. I have so much I want to say and write about! Assignments-only would be so limiting and dull. I could only ever say what someone else wanted me to! I could only ever talk about what someone else told me to! It is great if you can make money off your work and even greater if you can make a living, but dear god, why get into writing if you don't deeply intrinsically get off on it?

(I actually have a friend who'd respond by saying he is writing a book because everyone told him he should write a book because generally, people seemed to think he was good at it. You are a crankysaur, kb, hear me. I hope he enjoys it, too, though. I think he does. He types so awfully much.)

I mean, I enjoyed writing essays for school. They were writing. Technically, they were on assignment. But essays aren't enough to make the growling stomach of my mind quiet, turn away, and shut up. They aren't enough to heat a bed.