As you may have guessed the movie I am on right now is "Revenge of the Bridesmaids." Let me tell you a lil sumpin about this movie. This movie came out in 2010. Yeah, I bolded it, because it's that fucking important. It stars Raven Symone, former Disney channel star turned proud and out lesbian (who still does acting, clearly, but I guess in awful movies) and other random people like the woman who played Sabrina's calm, collected aunt in the TV show. It has four fucking stars on Netflix and yet I haven't seen as poorly acted/scripted a scene as the one I just saw (more on that later) in a loooooong, looooong, time. And I watch shitty horror movies, mang. Also important to note: it's set somewhere in the southern USA, except no one has anything close to a legit serious Southern accident. I'm pretty sure it's set in VA.
OK, I checked. Louisiana. Somehow, this movie is supposed to be set in Louisiana. None of these actors sound like they are even trying to pretend to have spent more than 5 minutes in Louisiana in their lives. Anyway.
So, what is the problem with this movie, you may ask? The entire plot, and I mean literally the entire conflict of the entire movie, and all the angst and the sturm und drang, ALL OF IT, it is all caused by and a result of one thing. Precisely one thing that is apparently like, a completely, totally unquestionable fact for absolutely 100% every single person in the movie.
I pointed out that this movie is set in the deep South because I think the writer is trying to ride on the coattails of a deeply conservative society. I certainly know that this assertion which keeps getting thrown around, like repeated a few times every scene for the past several scenes right now, is incontrovertibly not a fact at all where I live, which is central East Coast, basically, not exactly the most liberal location in the United States but also not locked into some very weird only-slightly-altered bizarro reality a bunch of scriptwriters decided was an accurate representation of Louisiana.
But Emily, you're babbling, you say. I still don't even know what the actual plot point is that you're so incredulous about.
Sorry, guy. I know. I got carried away. But...get this. The plot point on which everything swings, which is accepted as total fact in the movie but which I have never seen so blindingly accepted as such on anything near a universal level, is that
if you get a lady pregnant even if you have only had sex once and barely dated, you have no choice but to marry that lady. even if you are still in love with your exgirlfriend who is still in love with you, you have no option but to enter into a loveless, emotionally-infidelitous marriage for the sake of your unborn child.
AND NO ONE IN THE MOVIE FUCKING QUESTIONS THIS. Ever. Once. At all. No one even looks shocked by this idea. Everyone is like, "Oh, all right, totally." Not once has any other option or scenario been considered, because guess what, if it was, there would be no fucking plot. Even the two bridesmaids that supposedly have lived in New York for 10 years are completely on board from the very first time someone is like "They have to get married. She's pregnant."
I would like to know where the fuck these screenwriters grew up because they don't seem to have any accurate idea of what goes on in the Northeast or the deep South. This, by the way, is coming from someone with three cousins who live in Texas and all knocked up their girlfriends and yes, they did the shotgun wedding thing, which was politely referred to as "they had to get married." (I know, it astounds me in a similar way as this movie that the 3rd one didn't learn from watching both his brothers make the same mistake.) But these were long-term girlfriends. These weren't one-night rebounds. These men weren't marrying while in love with another woman who loves them back (presumably), not to mention the completely 100% consciously loveless marriages they weren't entering either. Also, even all of that happened 15 years ago.
The fact that this is the entire crux of this movie's plot simply confounds me. I feel like this movie is trying very hard to appeal to women and even feature two "strong, independent" women - one of whom is Raven Symone, and the fact that a woman who in real life is strong, independent, and determined, and I thought a feminist, could swallow and act in a movie whose basic premise is so flimsy and anti-feminist, suuuuuper-conservate and falsely limited, kind of disappoints me. I guess we all have to eat, and it's hard out there for former Disney stars if they want to be known as anything other than former Disney stars.
I've got about 30 minutes left in the movie. I was just so exploding with the ridiculousness of what was going on I had to put it out there for a bit. I'm going to finish, and report back. But my guess is that the pregnancy, instead of anyone suggesting it either being terminated, or be considered as ANYTHING ELSE than an immediate marriage sentence for 'propriety' (and let me mention that the movie has made a point of demonstrating that literally everyone in the town knows it's a shotgun wedding and it's no secret, so what the fuck is propriety in this situation anyway, mang, there are no appearances), it will turn out the bride slept with someone else she shouldn't have and had to cover it up by sleeping with the groom. Instead of refuting any of this nonsense, everyone is just going to act like "Revenge of the Bridesmaids" is set in this totally reasonable universe where people do things that are going to make them miserable because raising their children in a miserable, dysfunctional family is somehow the best choice because there's a biological dad and a biological mom and they're together. Hating and resenting each other. Probably for life.
Welp, I guess I can hope against it but that's my prediction. I'll update when I'm finished and let you know.
UPDATE
THE BITCH WAS FAKING IT ALL ALONG!
Also can I mention the pounds and literal pounds of eye makeup everyone wears all the time in this movie I can't even wear mascara for five minutes before I rub it off like damn this is not reality
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